I’m working really hard on my wellness. This time at the support group I finally feel like I have some real tools to manage the symptoms and the flashbacks. The flashbacks are the worst, especially because so many things have occurred in the apartment I live in. I can’t afford to move. I’ve been in the same apartment for so many years that bad things have happened in every room. I could just lie in bed and remember being harmed. So one of the things that I learned through support group over the last couple months, now that my son moved out, is to reclaim my room. I repainted it and I put new fabrics and new furniture inside. It’s my room. It’s my space. It’s my sanctuary. Even when I have company for sex at my house I don’t use that room. It needs to be a memory-free room.
It’s one of my ways of managing trauma, especially when it comes to sex. I need a bed that I can go to that doesn’t have anything attached to it. I find that very useful. There are nights that I lay in bed, my primary bed, and I can’t stay there. Just because I’ll be remembering being sexually assaulted in my own bed. I’ve been really trying hard to change all that. Change the memories in my house, rearrange the furniture, paint the rooms, whatever I can. It’s because of the support group that I’ve started being able to do all those things.
I didn’t even think I was going to get this far in the group. I didn’t really know what to expect but I got what I came for. I wasn’t even going to go for the second round (of therapy) until I realized that I still wanted to do more and feel even better. That’s really what I want to say about my journey. I’ve really been committed to being well. It’s been a very long journey to try and reconcile the past and try and heal from the sexual trauma.