I Remember

I remember the first time I got in the car, the guy pulled down his pants and it smelled. It stunk. I puked. The fun and games were over. The more my addiction grew, the more the pain I experienced. The more cars I had to jump in and out of.

I remember one night I got into this car with this guy. He seemed to be very nice and then all of a sudden he put a knife to my throat. He told me not to move. And he made me do things to him. And right there at that point, I thought that I was going to lose my life because he had the knife pressing upside my throat. All of a sudden I was screaming. I was crying. I was saying please don’t hurt me. And so he said to me, “You like this? You like what you do?” There was so much anger that I heard in that man’s voice that I never thought I was gonna make it out of that car, but finally he let me go. I was so glad.
There was this one other time. This guy couldn’t talk and I thought, Oh this is gonna be easy. He took me down this alley and put handcuffs on me. And he had a gun. Once again, I don’t know how I got out of that one. But I can remember he stripped me of all my clothes and he left me there still with handcuffs on. When he finished, he left. Fortunately, the cops came by. I got arrested for prostitution, but at least I got out of the handcuffs. They didn’t do anything to the guy because they couldn’t catch him.

I remember another incident I was sitting behind this hotel. The guy and I were sitting in a car. He had his clothes off and I still had all my clothes on. That was his fetish. The cops came by, told him to pull his clothes up and arrested me. You know, um, the things that I did. I hate. And sometimes I ask myself. Why did my life go in that direction? I have had men use me. Take everything that I had. Even in relationships. And its very hurtful. Very painful. You ask yourself, why. And then sometimes you even tell yourself, like, this is as good as it gets. It doesn’t get any better. This is the way I’m supposed to be. Nobody loves and cares about me anyway so why should I care about myself but all of those are lies we tell ourselves. I guess we all go through our own journeys and our own pain. I think that’s it.