One of the major focuses once I took my first class over was working on improving the way students use and rely on textual evidence in their writing. This focus came in response to the baseline assessment essay students wrote at the very beginning of the year, where we noticed that students were either not using evidence at all, or didn’t know how to effectively incorporate it into their writing. An example of one student’s body paragraph is shown below:
Prompt: Can the narrator of “The Tell-Tale Heart” be trusted? Consider the author’s word choice, tone, and description of events as you draw conclusions about the narrator’s state of mind. Be sure to support your ideas with evidence from the text.
“From paragraph 18, “I felt that I must scream or die! — and — hark! louder! louder! louder! louder! — “Villains!” I shrieked, “dissemble no more! I admit the deed!—tear up the planks!— here, here! — it is the beating of his hideous heart!”’ If the madman was not crazy to begin with, he is now. He was hearing sounds in his head, and shrieked! Any person that you know feels guilty at some point in their lives, and they cope with it by telling the truth. While the madman did this, he also went berserk, cursing and swinging the chair on the floor.”
In this excerpt, you can see that the student’s argument is not clear because there is no topic sentence. She seems to be arguing that the main character is insane. Her evidence takes up the majority of her paragraph, and she interjects with anecdotes to attempt to explain the quote. After many writing workshops throughout the unit, this student’s work improved drastically. The end of the unit, students responded in an essay to the prompt:
“Analyze the relationship between Friar Laurence and Romeo. Describe their dynamic and Friar’s effectiveness as a mentor/paternal figure for Romeo. Use evidence from the text to support your analysis.” A body paragraph from the same student’s essay is shown below:
“Another example of Friar Laurence’s relationship with Romeo is that he cares a lot about Romeo, and worries about him when he notices something was wrong. Friar Laurence says, “Therefore thy earliness doth me assure Thou art uproused by some distemperature. Or if not so, then here I hit it right: Our Romeo hath not been in bed tonight.” (Shakespeare 2.3.39-42) This quote explains that the friar saw that Romeo had hot been in bed yet and asked what was wrong. This means that he is observant and concerned when Romeo comes to him looking disheveled.”
In this paragraph, the student has a topic sentence that clarifies her argument, and evidence is introduced much more fluidly. Her analysis is still weak, which is what we were able to shift our focus to later in the year. The following example is from the Exploring Adolescence unit’s final essay, in which students surveyed the way a chosen stereotype was enforced in 3 different sources.
“Characterizations of adolescents can be enforced in politics and impact youth. One example used to enforce it is from Senator Baxley’s testimony in Congress. In his speech, Senator Baxley replied to a question that asked why we shouldn’t talk about sexual orientation in schools. He says that kids want to be “celebrities” so they come out to be part of the trend. He says, “That’s what kids do, you know? Maybe they’re in this club, maybe they’re in that club, or they’re onto this. And they’re trying on all of these identities, trying to see where they fit in.” This quote enforces the characterization because it is saying that teens are just trying to be part of the fad that is coming out as queer. The phrase used, “fit in” suggests that those teens aren’t queer and aren’t finding their identity but being the same as their friends. The voices centered in the video are adults, not the actual adolescents being discussed, furthering the idea that adolescents are not mature or capable of making right decisions.”
The growth seen in this student’s writing is significant. Her topic sentence is clear, she provides concise context for the evidence, introduces it in a way that is cohesive with the rest of the paragraph, and her analysis is specific and thorough.