Caroline McCarthy
Our group transcribed a conduct book called A Serious Proposal for Promoting Lawful and Honorable Marriage, released in 1750 by Dr. E. Cother. Throughout the book, Cother gives advice to young men and women on how to properly behave in a relationship, and ultimately proposes that both sexes can have the opportunity to learn these behaviors through an established marriage agency. Cother claims that there are a lot of eligible young men and women in society, but most of them are unequipped and undereducated in socializing with the opposite sex. Women, in particular, “have not been so properly introduced into the world as they ought” (32) as the result of a restricting education and sheltered upbringing.
Cother goes on to explain how the marriage agency would ideally operate: there would be two separate “Offices” that educated the members of each sex how to properly court a woman or how to behave when being courted by a gentleman. Women need to maintain their “delicacy” (71) throughout the courtship and hide away any anxieties, doubts or frustrations they have. Men, on the other hand, need to respect their woman’s boundaries whether they’re on a date or in “correspondence” with letters and such. Towards the end, Cother also explains that women and men cannot let their guards down, so to speak, even after they are legally married. Specifically, men should still have enough respect for their wives to know not to “intrude himself into matters in which he never had the least concern” such as “stalking into his Lady’s dressing room without due notice given” (73).
The biggest surprise our group had from this was that it was actually written as a book, instead of just an outline of a set of rules. There are specific rules made by Cother, but they are defined and explained in a narrative-like structure. It seemed to be more of a “how-to” book; Cother was trying to help “prevent and hinder…rudeness and indecency of any kind” (49) when eighteenth century young adults try to find a marriage partner. Furthermore, we thought that these rules would be more about the type of person one should or shouldn’t marry, based on the social ethics, laws and principles of that time period. So, we expected rules with age limits, prohibition from interracial marriage, homosexual marriage, and/or marriage between people of two different classes or backgrounds. Yet, none of these social taboos were even mentioned, much less enforced, by Cother. Overall, Cother’s tone was very matter-of-fact as opposed to personal; she was rehashing the social rules that she’s been taught in order to help the younger generation, not necessarily to push her own beliefs or agenda.
Reading this piece gave us a lot of insight into gender roles and expectations of affluent young adults of the time period. Women were not only expected to be pure, well mannered and adjusted to the idea that their main role in life was as a wife and mother, but they had to constantly act a certain way in public if they wanted to be socially accepted (not just by eligible bachelors, but everyone they and their families were connected with). They had to play the part of the “delicate” china doll that remained emotionally neutral and passive when out in public. Men had to be the ‘perfect gentleman’ at all times.
We also learned that finding a significant other and being in a relationship at that time was a long, calculated process for both sexes, and it could easily take a downward spiral if one of them doesn’t follow the rules. Cother explains very specific rules regarding courtship, including one about when/how to end a date. Specifically, if a woman on a date wishes to go home, then she should instruct “the person on Guard” to call for a coach and then notify the man of where she is going. In turn, the man must respect this and “be obliged not to depart till such Lady’s Coach, or Chair, has been gone from the Door with her for at least Five minutes” (49). If the man wants to leave the date first, then he must leave on his own and let the “Guard attend to Lady” (49). Other rules similar to this one imply that a courtship choreographed by the marriage agency is short, formal and planned out, and any romance, leisure or intimacy is forbidden.
If either sex did not properly play the role that society expects of them, Cother explains that the ramifications would have a domino effect on everyone involved. For instance, if a woman threw a tantrum at a party, then it would affect her reputation as a woman worthy of marriage. If she had a suitor at that time, then he’d be compelled to break it off before his reputation was damaged. Additionally, her parents’ reputations would be damaged, and they will cease to be invited to important social events or have access to the most exclusive clubs from then on. Apparently, reputation is everything to high society people, and even one mistake can destroy an otherwise perfect reputation. According to Cother, that is why a marriage agency is required; so women and men can better understand and become accustomed to the rules of being an unmarried adult. As far as Cother is concerned, the only way a young adult can truly understand and appreciate the social structure behind relationships is by learning them from marriage ‘experts’ (as opposed to learning them as they continue to date different people) and, as a result, find a suitable marriage partner in a short time.
WORKS CITED
Cother, E. “A serious proposal for promoting lawful and honourable marriage. Address’d to the unmarried, of both sexes.” Published by W. Owen, at Homer’s Head, near Temple-Bar, 1750.